We thought we were ready for anything but this was the hardest part.

Saying goodbye is one of the hardest parts of any relationship. Saying goodbye in foster care brings it too another  level.

Anything you do for the first time has that special place in your heart. Maybe it was your first kiss, the first second you held your newborn or, for the guys, the first time you had…that steering wheel in your hands(get your mind outta the gutter). Anyway all these things are special in some way but only to the person(s) it belongs too.

We had our first foster care placement about 4 months after we received our license. We were kind of caught off guard but still we thought we were prepared. Well, like having your first baby, you are never prepared. We had a rocky start but after a while things just kind of balanced out. We all developed relationships with-in the relationships and after almost two years there were strong bonds that we knew were going to be hard to deal with when changes needed to happen.

Reunification is a big deal in the foster care world. It’s what we all hope for, for the kids in our care. It’s bringing families back together that just needed some time to work on issues. It doesn’t happen for everyone but when it can happen it’s best for the kids. This is such a happy day for the kids and their parents but for the foster parents it’s really hard.

I remember going to my first foster parent support group and there was this mother who was preparing for her foster girls to be leaving sometime in the next week. She was trying so hard to explain how she was feeling and she just ended up crying. I remember thinking I was much stronger than her and that I could handle my emotions. Boy was I wrong! The morning he was going home started like any other except no one talked about it. We all new it was happening but we all ignored the subject. I tried to say goodbye several times but I just couldn’t get it out. He was going home but it wasn’t under the best circumstances and there were so many what-ifs, that still needed to be answered. I remember praying to God just to keep him safe. He waited until I was in my room with the door closed getting dressed. And the conversation went something like this:

Billy:”Hey Liz.”

Liz:”Yes Billy.”

Billy:”I just wanted to thank you for everything. I’m going home today and wanted to say goodbye.”

Liz:”I know, you must be so excited. How about we say,”see ya later”, because goodbye seems so official and I’m sure we’ll see each other again.”

Billy:”Okay. How about we go to the movies sometime soon. That way it can be, “see ya later”.”

Liz:”I would like that. Okay then, “see ya later”.”

Billy:”See ya later.”

At that point the floodgates opened and I bawled my eyes out. But, it was all worth it. At the end of the day I knew we helped someone and he will remember us forever. Our whole family still misses him and we are reminded of him daily. There are times when something happens and someone will say, “Oh that reminds me of Billy or Billy would have loved this”. As hard as it was at times he will always have that special place in my heart. The best part of this is that we did go to the movies and had a great time. He calls about once a month and he seems to be doing really well. We never say goodbye when we talk it’s always, “see ya later”.

To tell the truth our foster parenting started with our pets.  All of pets were once owned by someone else who for some reason couldn’t take care of them.  We have the old ladycat. Who is so stuck in her ways. She’s grumpy and will yell at you if you’re not doing it her way. But lookout, she’s always packin claws and not afraid to use them. Then there’s the middle aged male cat.  He’s the cat who hasn’t grown up and still thinks he’s a kitten. He would be the bald guy with the comb-over in the red convertable if he was a person. And of course the dog. Now this dog is amazing. He came into our lives when the last thing we needed was a dog. We didn’t have the time to take care of ourselves let alone the schedule of a dog. Our little guy was able to help us slow down and remember what’s important…Family.

Frankie(our dog) is very patient. We weren’t used to taking a dog out and all of the other things he needed. Cats kind of take care of them selves. All you need to do is add food and water and they’re good.

 Frankie is very cute and has a calmness about him. I took care of an elderly woman for a while and Frankie loved to go with me. He would be jumping all around and being a dog but as soon as he saw Nana he would calm down and ever so gently climb on her lap and sit with her for hours. I knew he was a special dog.

He has the same gentleness with our foster children. It seems as though he knows what they went through and gives them a break when they get a little out of hand. We had this one boy who didn’t want to talk about his feelings and things that made him upset. He kept all of these feelings in and would have little explosions every now and then. I suggested he tell everything to Frankie so at least he could get it out. At first he looked at me like I was crazy(he may be right) but soon I could hear him whispering. He would sit with Frankie and just whisper in his ear.  Frankie didn’t seem to mind and actually loved the attention. 

When you think about it, it’s probably the safest type of communication. Frankie will never tell your secrets, judge you or make fun of you. We should all be like Frankie.

My parents are kind of like gypsies. They retired a few years ago and moved clear across the country. Then other family members moved and they kind of followed. Now they have a summer place, a winter place and a few places in between. I always wondered how having 5 kids could be an advantage…now I know.

Most of their stuff has a place except for their plants. My mom has a few that she hasn’t killed in the last few years but usually her plants are around for a while then they just disappear. She doesn’t admit to killing  them it’s like they pack up their leaves and sneak out the door during the night. One of her favorite plants has the name Baby. She talks to it , she dusts it and moves it around the house to different windows during the day. You’ve heard of the crazy cat lady well she’ll be the crazy plant lady.

One day she called me and asked the dreaded question, “Honey(I knew if it started with honey I was in trouble), we are going to your brothers house and the plants don’t like it there so could they come to your house?”. What!!! They don’t like it there??? Are you the  plant whisperer now. I’m screaming in my head. To be honest with you I would do anything for my mom. She has been my rock through some of the most horrible times in my life.  I say, “Of course mom, you know I will”.

So I look around my very small house trying to figure out where I am going to put these things. It’s not like they eat much or cause any problems but I need to remember to water them, dust them and make sure the animals don’t eat them. I figure how hard can this be. I am a foster parent, mother of three  with 2 cats and a dog, and I haven’t killed any of them yet(we don’t talk about the guinea pig that just died one day, the hamster that the cat ate and the number of fish that preferred living in the giant toilet).

So she showed up a week later with Baby covered in a towel because itdoesn’t like the cold. Hello…it’s freakin October in Northern New England wait until January! I just smile.

At this time in my life I have a very cute, very adventurous little devil…oops… angel, boy living with me.  He has eyes that could get him out of any trouble he could get into and has my mother wrapped around his whole hand.  So the conversations goes something like this:

“Hi Meme whats Baby doing here?” He says.

She replies,”I was wondering if you take care of her while Papa and I go away for a few months”.

“Sure”, He says.

So now I figure if the thing dies at least I have the kid to blame. She didn’t actually ask me to take care of it she just asked if it could come to the house. We find just the right place in the family room where it will get some morning light and be able to keep current with the cartoons the little guys was watching. Before long I hear him playing in the room. I look in and he has GI Joe climbing through the leaves with a Matchbox car comfortably sitting in the dirt with a Transformer bad guy ready to attack. I think to myself, “I give this thing a week”.

Well to my surprise after a few weeks the plant is flourishing. It’s growing and looks greener than ever. My little guy was doing a great job. My mother would call every few days to say Hi and she always asked the little guy about Baby. He always said she was good but missed her, and she would laugh.

I realized that this whole situation was really good for my little guy. It made him feel important and gave him something to take care of.  At this time in his life his mother was in jail and he was having a very difficult time dealing with what was going on. He had always needed to take of himself and now it was time for him to take care of something and let others take care of him. I think everyone flourished during our time with Baby.

When it was time for Baby to leave there were no teary goodbye’s just a, “I’ll see ya at Meme’s”.

A few minutes after my parents left I got a frantic call from my mother. Yelling over the phone she said,”There is a dead mouse in my plant”. I glanced over at my little angel who was smiling and giggling.  “So, I guess Meme found the rubber mouse “, he said before falling to the ground laughing hysterically.

So life goes on. Our little angel went home and seems very happy. Baby has had a few rough days but is managing to hang on to life and the mouse is very comfortably still living under the leaves.

Now I don’t want to say I’m high maintenance but I do admit I may be slightly above moderate. Okay, well maybe on some days I’m high maintenance. My idea of camping is a cheap hotel without coffee in the room. How Barbaric!

So My hair… At certain times in my life there has been a lot of discussion about my hair. It has been described as “perfectly coiffed”, “styled”, “very you” , “What were you thinking” and my favorite “you know the lady with the crazy hair”. I like to be different. I have had a lot of different hair colors and styles. When I was younger it was long and big. Aqua Net was my BFF.  As I got older and had my kids my hair started to change and during my pregnancy with my daughter fell out. I had thick hair but it got very thin and fine. This was not acceptable I was not a 50 year old man but a 24 year old woman.  I started using texturizing creams and hairspray and found you could do amazing things. This was when the Mohawk started being famous and I could get height and have it stay in place for days. My glory days were coming back.

I bet your wondering how this relates to Foster Care.  Well, when we were new foster parents I had this June Cleaver attitude stuck in my mind. I would wake up really early shower, dress, do my hair and have breakfast on the table by 7.  These children came from messed up lives and I figured I owed it to them. This lasted for about 5 and 1/2 days. If your wondering about the 1/2 day, I gave up after the shower and went back to bed. So wet hair and a few hours in bed, not a good combination if your going for the sleek put together look. Can you say Mohawk? I got up not even thinking and went to make coffee. Well my new little guy got up and had a look of horror on his face! I expected there to be a knife wielding psychopath behind me or a 20 foot  python, but all he said was “Your Hair!?!?” I had completely forgot to do the hair. I tried to fluff it off and said, “You don’t like it? I worked really hard making it into a Mohawk.” He just stared at me. Then I thought to myself, “I can’t believe I just said that. How embarrassing.” I excused myself and went to do my hair.

The next morning I decided to just take the shower but not do the hair and see what happened. My adorable little guy got up and came into the kitchen. He just kind of glanced in my direction but said nothing. He didn’t even notice. Well being the competitive person I am I figured, it was on!

The next morning I got up extra early and went crazy. I pulled out all of the hair stuff I could find,even the Aqua Net, (boy I missed her)and came up with the craziest hair style I could think of (without coloring or shaving anything). All I got was a glance and an ever so subtle 10 second stare and we went along with our day. When my 17 year old daughter got up she gave me the “What did you do and if you think you’re going with me out in public you are crazier than I thought” look. And I just smiled. My husband just shook his head and must have thought I had finally lost it. I think he even checked our insurance policy for a long term stay in a mental hospital.

That night I was putting our little guy to bed and while tucking him in he whispered in my ear, “By the way…I like the crazy hair better.” I just whispered back, “Thank You.”

That night I realized that these children we take into our homes want us exactly how we are. They don’t want the perfect parent they just want someone who loves them and will take care of them.

When I went to bed I set my alarm clock for an hour later in the morning and made coffee with my messed up, slept on, crazy hair.

As I said in my very first post I am not a professional and have made a lot of mistakes. Not sure if I’ve actually made 1,238 but it seems like I’m very close.

There was this one winter we had a cute little boy staying with us. He came from a rough town where it was rumored he was part of a gang by the age of 8. Some of the stories he told me and my husband were really scary and only things you saw on TV and  never talked about by a 10 year old.

We were spending Christmas with my family. My mother, who treated all kids like they were her own since she was able to hold one in her arms, bought all of her grandson’s Nerf guns. She asked me about getting one for Joey but I said, “No. We have no idea what he went through and what happens if it brings back a horrible memory or he just goes crazy with it”. She said okay, but I could tell she felt bad buying him something else. On Christmas morning all of the boys opened their toys and were really excited about having a Nerf war later in the day.

Joey seemed so upset he didn’t get one. I talked with him and boy was he pissed. He said everyone hated him and was going on and on about how all of his gifts were stupid. I started to get really upset with him thinking how ungrateful he was. He got a lot of presents and I even brought extra just in case someone forgot him. And then he said, “Why can’t I have a Nerf gun Too?” Boy did I feel like a jerk. He said, “I would trade all of my other gifts to have one and be like the other kids”.

I felt so bad that I had to excuse myself saying I had to use the bathroom and I bawled my eyes out.

I was trying so hard to protect this child that I wasn’t letting him be a kid. He was after-all, a little boy who wanted so much to belong. By not letting him have the gun I made him feel even more different than he already did. I will never forget that day or the look in his eyes. That day changed my life forever. I always thought that being a foster parent was a job of protection and love but I learned it was more a lifestyle of acceptance and understanding. So who really cares if Joey goes crazy with the Nerf gun or remembers a horrible time in his life. This was the now and I owed it to him to let him be who he was.

I never pass a Nerf gun or toy aisle in a store without thinking about Joey.

  Sometimes we take for granted the little things we do everyday. We all have our rituals and habits. I always put my left shoe on first and brush the right side of my teeth first. (I bet you’re now thinking about all those little things you do). Admit it, we all have them. Would you ever think of sitting at the table for dinner with your family one of them? One boy who came to stay with us thought so.

It was his first night with us and we were getting ready for dinner. I asked him to come to the kitchen, wash his hands, and sit at the table.

He immediately asked, “Who was in trouble and was it him?”

I said, “No one is in trouble, we’re having dinner.”

 He then confided in me that the only time he ever sat at the table was if he was in trouble and being yelled at.

I told him that we didn’t do that  here but if it made him uncomfortable we could sit somewhere else.

For almost a year we ate dinner in the living room on tv trays. He started to eat breakfast at the table and slowly worked towards other meals. When we had company he would join us but I knew he didn’t like it.

It’s very important in foster care to be willing to make changes. Is it really that important to do what you always did?

A very special friend of mine(you know who you are*hugs*) sent me this quote.

If you always do what you always did

You will always get what you always got

So be the change you wish to see.

I have no idea who originally said this, but I love it!!

 Imagine if someone came to your house and removed you without any notice or warning. Everything you were familiar with was gone. You were in a new home that wasn’t yours but you were expected to function as a normal, well adjusted person. Could you?

As adults we have learned how to cope with changes but imagine if you were 2, 5, 11 or even 16 years old. Remember how important your stuff was? It doesn’t matter if you are rich or poor everyone has stuff. I remember going to yard sales when I was little and hearing, “someones trash is another person’s treasure”.

When I was little I had this stuffed dog my mother said I called, Woof Woof. I carried him around by one of his ears and Woof Woof went everywhere with me.. One day Woof Woof’s body fell off his ear and I lost him. All I had was the ear. Well I guess I cherished that little ear until I lost that too.Now as an adult I don’t remember any of this but for a 2 year old it was huge and I feel sad for my 2 year old self.

Sometimes when foster children show up at your home you never know what they will come with. I heard a story one night at a support group my husband and I attend about a young girl who showed up at someones home with nothing but a small piece of cloth. It barely covered her but it was all she had. She refused to part with what looked like a dirty smelly rag, that most people would consider trash. The foster parents tried everything they could think of to get her to let them wash it, but she refused. The foster parents talked to their social worker who explained to them that the piece of cloth was all she had from her home. She was removed from the home suddenly and as horrible as it was, she needed part of it. She needed the smell and comfort that came from the piece of cloth. Eventually she allowed the foster parents to make her bed and she used sheets and blankets they provided but she still kept the piece of cloth she came with, her treasure.

 I think when people become foster parents they have this fairy tale idea that once the children are in their home everything will be okay. I hardest part is that they still love and want to be with their birth parents no matter what. I have heard stories about kids who were beaten, starved and ignored but still want to go home.

You can have the nicest house, the best food and be really good parents but they still don’t want you. It’s easy to take it personal but remember this is not your problem. It’s our responsibility as foster parents to keep them safe and give them the best life when they are with us. I try to give the kids one really strong memory that they will hopefully take into their adult lives. Something that could potentially change their lives forever.

One of my favorite is this thing I call “Cocooning”. Everyone loves to be tucked in bed. It’s warm, safe and just plain comfy. I had a child who just seemed to be so raw with emotions. He though everything was his fault and he was just a bad kid. He asked me how he could change one night while I was tucking him in.

I first told him he wasn’t a bad kid but that he just had some bad things happen to him. This “cocooning” thing just popped into my head. I told him to close his eyes and think about how he wanted to be. As I tucked him in I said sang “cocoon…cocoon…cocoon…”. Once he was all tucked in I said, “now you are in a cocoon just like a caterpillar. Tomorrow you can wake up and be different just like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly”.

He fell asleep peacefully for the first time in our home. I remember telling a friend about what I did. She cried telling me I was probably the first person who gave him permission to be different. I could always tell when he was having a bad day because he would ask me to “cocoon him” at bedtime.

He has moved on and is back with his family. I hope one day he will be “cocooning” his own children.

So where was I?

Okay, so my mother, the ninja was crashing through a door. It all happened in slow motion, kind of like a scene from the movie Matrix. I had never seen my mother react this way. She was the mother who was always calm even if there was blood and screaming. I remember wondering to myself how cool it was going to be to have a mother like this. She was going to be the new superhero in town. I could just picture the article in the local newspaper.

She would have on a cool body suit with the red cape flowing behind her with the letters FM on her chest. The article would read, New crime fighting hero lives in town, Foster Mom! She can save kids in a single bound and take out their parents with one leap. I imagined she had these beams of light that could come out of her eyes and with one look would paralyze the unsafe parent.

Now at this time I had no idea what was happening. I also didn’t know that the parents were threatening to take their daughter and my mother had asked them politely not to enter the house and that was what they were trying to do. The cops came and it all ended quietly.

Now as an adult I found out that the stepfather was having his way with the girl and that is why she came to live with us. My parents went to court. My mother was reprimanded by the judge in front the girls parents but praised behind closed doors. My mother would be(and still is) know as “the mother you don’t mess with”. The girl lived with us for a while, became an adult and left.

We never saw “Foster Mom”, the super hero again. She must have retired. But when I think back I remember knowing in my heart my mom would always have my back. I would bet money that the red cape is in her closet just itching to come out.

Due to HIPPA regulations most of my experiences in foster care will be like a Law and Order episode.

The stories are true but the names, places and dates are changed to protect the innocent. In my case it ‘s to protect the children we take care of in order to let them have a normal life.

Okay, now I’ve said it, “Normal Life”. What the heck is a normal life?!?! If any of you know what that is, please let me know. I have yet to figure it out.

I wanted to share a little about myself. I was born in 1967 and spent most of my childhood living in a small town. You know the kind we only read about in books now. We didn’t lock the doors. Kids were safe to walk down the street. All the parents in town looked after all the kids like they were their own. We had town picnics in the summer, where you saw the cute boy or girl you had a crush on and wondered how they could possibly be even cuter than the last time you saw them.

I never knew about foster care until my parents brought a teenager home one day. My father was a police officer and my mother worked in the local dispatch office answering the emergency phones. This girl needed a safe place to live. I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t safe at home. I remember a meeting at our home where the girls parents came over to talk. Everything appeared to be going well when all of a sudden my mother…(insert physical description of my mother here. My mother is 4 feet 11 inches tall and probably weighed around 110 pounds at the time)… dove through a screen door and took out the girls mother.

Now, at this point in time I had no idea my mother had these skills. She was like a ninja…

Gotta run. Stop by again to finish the story.